5 Steps for Resolving Conflicts in Marriage

The outcome of conflict depends on how you handle the issues. Destructive conflict depicted by negative or unhealthy reactions, shouting, accusing, not listening leads to more conflict and should be avoided.

Discuss your differences early before they get entrenched, before resentment and negative emotions build up. Select a good time to talk about the problem. Open up to each other. Make eye contact, tenderly touch or hold hands.


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 Talk about it

Speak your mind what you think or feel. Use positive communication. Express strong feelings appropriately. Avoid hurtful statements. Don’t attack your partner by using ‘you’ statements you caused it… you are the one that…. Use “i” statements to express your feeling for effective communication.



Take turns to talk and listen. Listen well to understand your partner’s perspective. Go beyond what he/she is saying verbally to understand what he/she is communicating emotionally. Ask questions to clarify what he/she is saying. Ask non-defensive questions to elicit non-defensive responses.

Calm and rational

Respond calmly to deal with the intruder, the problem, your spouse is not the problem. State your opinion, express your feelings, concerns and needs calmly. Calm tone of voice and positive body language.


Work together at getting to the root of the problem. Search for solution together. Consider each other’s view. Find a way to resolve it and arrive at a compromise. Come up with solutions. Select a solution that you are both happy with and can carry out. Show remorse and apologize where necessary. Resolve to prevent a recurrence. Forgive, who is above mistake anyway.




Make up.  Re-affirm your love for each other and re-connect. Appreciate your spouse for the little things he/she does for the family. Pursue the happiness of your marriage.




7 Key Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner

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‘The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person’. Julia Child

You are ready to take the leap! You are settled in your job or career and prepared to have a home of your own. Marriage is a serious matter. The choice of who you marry is your responsibility. Choose carefully. This  will determine the degree of your happiness or misery in life. You would need to pay attention to the following important considerations. They will help you choose wisely.

Genuine Feelings

There is genuine love. The feelings for each other are real. Do not think of getting married if you have only known each other for a couple of months because if you start living together you may discover surprises that may pose problems to the young marriage. Get to know and understand the person.

She is not desperate telephoning, coming to your house or office, smothering you with attention or doing your chores. The right person would not force herself on a relationship or a man no matter how much she or others admire him. The man should do this.

She does not demand money from the man. Do not marry for the wrong reasons not for money.


Marriage goes beyond shallow considerations. The person loves you for who you are and is willing to be there for you. He respects your body and willing to wait for sex in marriage.

You cannot ascertain his intentions despite his sweet words and actions. You are not a mind reader. Avoid being used and dumped. Let him take you to the altar first.

Ready to be his helpmeet. Ready to submit to him and complement him. He is ready to love her unconditionally.

Willing to accept and respect the other person’s culture and traditions. Willing to love his mother and family. A person with whom you are ready to spend the rest of your life.

Self Development

You have worked on yourself. You can marry your person if you were of the opposite sex. You have developed yourself to become the right partner.

She has a means of income, polite, well-mannered and pays attention to her appearance.

Be a good person to attract the person you deserve. Someone who will help you be the best of yourself.

Shared Values

Your potential partner shares your values, standards, principles and beliefs. Possesses the qualities you hold dear and is willing to learn. You are free to fully express and be yourself with this person. He shows you affection, respects you and you enjoy spending time together. Conversation with this person is interesting not boring. You have shared dreams. You look to a life of peace and happiness with this person.


You have set standards for yourself. You are accountable to actions. He is caring, considerate, possesses the spirit of humility and self-control. He is interested in you and your progress, willing to help you be a better person. He is not abusive, selfish, critical, fights or beats you. He is not given to negative tendencies. She does not feel inferior, frustrated or drained when with him. He is cultured. He is hardworking. When there is a misunderstanding, ready to admit his/her shortcomings, offer sincere explanation and apology.


Love will bring you together but you need trust to help you sustain it. The person is trustworthy. There is trust, honesty, sincerity and reliability in the relationship. The person does not spy on you, monitor your phone calls or computer usage.

Relationship with God

The person loves God.  You have an intimate relationship with God. Don’t do this without God. Start with God. Let Him be involved. Seek His guidance to choose right. Let God lead you because your choice affects your life forever. The choice of a marriage partner transcends physical conviction alone even with the best decision you cannot see into the future you need divine direction for this critical step of your life. Having observed the potentials in him or her, ask for God’s help to choose right.

If free of destructive behaviors, does not drink, prudent in spending, does not use drugs or other illicit substances but you do not feel right about it without any logical reasons follow your inner nudge.

Listen to your parent’s strong reasons.  Carry your pastor, counselor and parents along in the choice of a spouse. Do not manage a relationship.



5 Strategies to Keep Your Marriage Strong

You can make your marriage strong but you have to acknowledge that disagreements are inevitable. They will occur when your interests, perspectives or opinions differ. Remember, you are unique individuals you are different and will see things differently. You can turn these into marital strengths applying the following positive approaches:

Good Communication

Good, thoughtful and effective communication is the basis of a strong marriage. This is based on honesty, openness, respect and effective listening. Good communication serves as a buffer against the tempest in marriage. Using the right words and gestures, a marriage can be healed, enriched  and made stronger. Communicate better:

Don’t assume anything. Don’t always think the worst. Hear what the other person has to say before you jump to conclusions. Don’t interpret his/her actions without hearing him or her out.

Clear up misunderstandings by listening and not thinking of retaliating. Air your feelings. Ask questions to clarify issues and understand what your spouse is saying or thinking. These should be questions that will not lead to defensive response or argument.


Understanding Each Other 

Learn to know and adapt to your partner. Acknowledge each other’s unique differences and individuality. Get to know the unique person or individual you are married to. This will help you gain insight into each other’s needs and expectations and how to best meet them. Don’t take everything personal. Respect each other’s opinion. Not an issue of being right or wrong. You will see things differently.

Good understanding births tolerance and acceptance. You do not view problems as ‘his’ or ‘her’ problem but as ‘our’ problem and unite to deal with it. Recognize the good in your spouse and be supportive of each other’s personal growth. 


Takes Work

These preventive measures can help you protect and improve on your marriage. Make time to evaluate your marriage through effective discussion. From time to time, carry out a check-up to know the condition of your marriage. Remember to put the phone away. Pick together when to regularly check-up on your marriage, carry out a clean-up and get to know how you can improve as an individual and as a couple.

Make time for each other. This will help you identify problem areas early and mend fences. You will avoid mind reading, making assumptions or jumping into wrong conclusions.

Get a grip on issues from your background that may be having adverse effect on your marriage. Be forgiving and let go. Change negative tendencies. Break bad habits and behaviours, replace them with positive and productive ones. These will help you restore, strengthen, spice up your marriage and bond.  View


Get the Spark Back

You can rekindle the flame in your marriage. Backtrack to the period of your courtship, you responded to his love and leadership expressed through his thoughtful initiatives, plans, gifts, taking you out even to places you were not too keen about. You shared his interests looked your best to please him and put up your best behaviour. There was love, respect and teamwork. You can keep the glow going!


Putting God First

Bring God into your marriage to enjoy happiness. You can transform your marriage through the power of prayer. Ask for the grace to do all that will make your marriage succeed. Take every problem to God in prayer. Trusting God in every situation. Spend time in prayer individually and as a couple holding hands and praying together.